When I hear people say to me…you are so confident. I often doubt their complete honesty since I don’t see myself as that confident person. Though, to be able to portray the assumed resemblance of confidence, I have had to push myself beyond my comfort zone, especially living in the environment where I live.
The truth is that, like many other people, I struggle with my confidence. In fact, I can say that up until my teenage years, I was quite the shy and timid girl. It must not have helped that I was somewhat smaller than other girls my age in my boarding school then. Also, I grew up at a time and space where being an overly confident kid meant that you needed to be extra checked by your parents. If you spoke too much or jumped into an adult conversation in a public place with your parents present, let’s just say, you won’t ever forget the events that would ensue from there.
Anyway, I digress. Confidence hasn’t always been a strong point of mine as I said and it is something that I continue to work at. Every day, I strive to get better at self-care especially since I have come to realize that self-care leads to improved self-esteem and this definitely boosts confidence. In my journey towards improved confidence, I have learnt some vital lessons. If I may share with you some of the things I have absorbed over the years.
Self-love is Priceless
Usually, lack of confidence emanates from low self-worth or self-esteem (whatever the semantics you choose to use) which may easily arise from life experience or could just be an inborn trait. A lot of times and especially with us female folks, lack of self-esteem has to do with body issues or past experiences. While you do whatever you deem fit to accept your body issues, you just have to love yourself, even the bits of you that you find imperfect. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t happen overnight. Self-love is a continuous journey and the by-product of this is confidence.
Turn up your ability to bullshit a notch
Let me just say that I mean this in the best possible way. If you don’t feel confident, pretend that you are until you won’t have to pretend anymore. Confidence is one of those rare areas of your life where you are allowed to fake it till you make it. Believe me, all of the famous people we look up to will tell you that this works. Whenever I have watched CEOs deliver their groundbreaking speeches about a new product (If you haven’t, please watch Steve Job’s iPhone 2007 Presentation, trust me, it changed my life – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN4U5FqrOdQ). I often marvel at how they have learnt to be so confident but the truth is that they have had to learn it just like you and I are having to.
Can I just make it clear at this point that pretending to be confident does not always work but constant practice at pretending to be confident is definitely a viable option.
As I mentioned, bullshitting your way to confidence is useful but so too is the ability to learn not to care so much about what people think or even say.
Learning not to care so much can be so emancipating.
Many of us have fallen into this trap of caring so much about what people think about us. I used to care so much about what people thought of me and perhaps I still do. I have just learnt to give myself a pep talk and a reminder that it doesn’t really matter. Many of us are text-book people pleaser and it is okay to matter to us what people think because it only shows that we are human but there is a big difference in caring about what people think of you and being perpetually worried that people don’t like you.
What other people think about you is really none of your business.
This statement right here is a bolt of empowerment. The truth is we are naturally species that form opinions but it is really none of your business what opinions are formed about you. There will be a few people in your life whose opinions you respect but it is important to understand that you cannot live your life based on the opinions of those people you really respect.
For clarifications sake, the reason I made this bold statement above is because you are here right now, in this space, at this time, to experience YOUR journey by living a life that is driven by an AUTHENTIC YOU not by anyone’s standard.
Drown out the noise during your growth journey
On your journey towards becoming a more confident you, you have to watch out for people who have been in your life for a long time and cannot see you in a different light. The people who knew you when you were unconfident and frail are the main ones who will find your newly found confidence intimidating the most. They will form opinions that may be unpleasant for you to hear but you have to by all means avoid letting those opinions take you back to ground zero.
You Only Live Once
YOLO as they say is a very useful mantra that I follow. One of the common sayings when I was a little girl is that opportunity comes but once. When a good opportunity comes knocking, grab the bull by the horn and don’t let it go.
I am of the notion that our purpose on this earth is to live, truly live. Our time here is so limited and we must go after what we want and not be daft enough to let other people’s perceived opinions of us ruin what could be wonderful.
Do your part, Do the work
Let me mention briefly about the time I had to deliver a training session to a classroom full of government workers who were about two decades older than I am? Yes! I was nervous and definitely didn’t catch much sleep several nights leading up to the day but I managed to channel those nerves positively. I did my homework. I worked on my presentation from scratch and internalised it properly. I did a dummy run with my slides in front of a mirror and worked on my tone, my staging, my transition and my eye contact. A good preparation helps to boost confidence. You get the result when you put in the effort.
My advice to young people who are struggling with lack of confidence is to focus on loving themselves first, even their imperfections. Confidence plummets at puberty, but it is useful to find something that particularly makes you feel confident, whether it’s a sport or a vocation. A success in any part of one’s life is a big confidence booster.
